How I saved the Planet...

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Tough job someone's got to do it...... I used public transport on Saturday, I didn't want to go anywhere particularly but the Media said I should catch a bus to save the planet. Turn your refrigerator down as well, they said, so I did that, and Sunday morning woke up to 60 quids worth of soggy green mash and horseburgers in my fridge, and water up to my elbows. 
Buy energy saving light bulbs they said, so I took out a small loan, and bought 3, so far I've had 4 accidents including a cut face, broken wrist, and an arm in a sling after being unable to see where I was going.   They provide less light than a bloody candle.   I have also written to the Chinese Embassy in Wales, reiterating my profound concern they are polluting the buggery out of the planet, by building 2 coal-fired power stations a week without one lump of welsh coal, and could I have the Noodles with fried egg rice, in a paper bag, light on the sodium ?
Switching on my French provided electricity, and cooking my Sunday Eco-friendly (I killed the cow personally with a club made out of renewable forestry), roast with Russian gas, I feel as positive as anyone can be, that Welsh people are doing their best to save the planet from Global warming, apart from listening to all that hot air emanating from Cardiff Bae, which is one area I think we are agreed could benefit greatly from a rise in sea level.
I was rather hesitant, but decided it my duty to switch on the BBC, which is the font of all knowledge when it isn't trying to be serious, and watch dutifully a concert organized by super-rich pop artists, none able to string a sentence together, and a few eco-scientists who had a bit too much Vimto to drink, who had flown in especially from their private bahama beach to educate us on how not to waste our carbon footprint. 
Inspiring celebrities such as Les Dennis, and Jonathon Ross (Leading lights in the fight against Global warming in the UK), were reviewing 1970s has-beens like Sting, Genesis and the most boring Ipeople on the Planet, UB40, a group of nere-do-wells who really should be unemployed or at least sued for being so bloody patronizing, albeit they did drop everything, and fly in straight from Madagascar where they have been shooting their latest video... so I earnestly listened to a few scruffy under-dressed drunks swearing their heads off, hoping to get educated.   Eventually, I decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and switch the BBC off all day, thus saving a huge amount of waste carbon, and my TV from being disposed of rather un-eco-friendly way into my dustbin.
I've also got so many coloured boxes from my local authority, to sort my rubbish into, my front garden looks like a local branch of Legoland. I have to buy my potatoes locally, except where I live is somewhat of a desert, spud wise, the only grass we see around here is smoked.  I settled for the Egyptian ones instead, which were a bit small for chips, but fair do's it's all bloody sand out there so, but the gravy was home-made, in the Dordogne....  I've bben told not to order any goodies online, as contrary to popular view, this puts more lorries on the road, and clogs up Milton Keynes, which while an otherwise brilliant idea, means the illegal immigrants would have difficulty picking strawberries, thus making Wimbledon a non-starter... it was a hard call, we must all do our bit. 
My local supermarket has gone on the gravy train and refused to give me a bag to carry the goodies home in, so I am trying to balance about 40 items on my head like they do in certain parts of Africa and elsewhere, I'm unsure it will catch on... If we had their sunshine it may be more appealing.  They will sell me self-disposal eco-friendly bags for £25 a throw, with pretty pictures on of people smiling in the 3rd world, although some come from Bradford I gather.   I'd be smiling too getting £25 for an 5p bag, I'd be laughing my head off really.     My better half only shops at pound shop, and those second hand charity shops now, to recycle goods, except I think Edwardian top hats, and 70s flares make me look slightly ridiculous, my son is completely dumbfounded after being given Elvis 33 a bit vinyls, and struggles to to download them to his ipad, he is at this time attempting to load VHS vids in his DVD player, I wish him luck.  .He may need expensive therapy.... perhaps it's a false economy.
My son at school has also been asked by his teacher to push Dad for a a cheque of 50 quid so he can go on an eco trip with the school to watch the Local Council empty rubbish bins, and then write an essay on how best they could improve on this to save our planet. My suggestions emptying the bins every week would be a start, and not scattering 50% over the road outside would help, as well as limiting the huge amount of vermin that has overrun my home, and the maggots and wildlife that has sprouted in my bins, we don't all go fishing. Said children then sojourn to MacDonald's, get a "Junior Planet Saviour" citation from our  mayor, a cheesburger, with medium fries, and thence to the latest sweet shop to scatter more rubbish than Rio-De-Janeiro's underclass can cope with... 
Not to be outdone, our LA then gives them yet other awards for clearing up the rubbish THEY are throwing everywhere, now that, is recycling, I'm unsure they should be creating that rubbish in the first place, but was told I was illiterate eco-wise.... and his school's health program is sponsored by Cadbury's, Pizza parlour, Harry Ramsden's,  Lo fong's exotic take aways,  and MacDonalds... so what do I know ?